It was the year before the world fell apart
Quietly, my internal world was crumbling
From the outside looking in, things looked good
I had love, a home, a job, and time
But inside my mind, things weren't right
I sank to the kitchen floor and cried
Without really knowing why
Caught in a cycle of self-pity followed by shame
I hated myself for feeling this way
And if you haven't yet learned from Brene,
Shame isn't helpful, it's damaging
I thought I found a fix - I just needed to get away
So I figured it out, pressed pause on everything
I packed my bags, kissed my husband goodbye
And hopped on a plane
I flew to a place I knew, a tiny green jewel
Where the people are warm and the sun is too
A place where surely the darkness couldn't follow
A place that would surely fill in this hollow
I arrived at dusk, gathered my stuff, and set off alone
A friendly face offered me a ride
I said yes and hopped inside
And off we went into the night
I safely arrived at the home where I'd stay
With a Tica whom I'd met through Instagram
She welcomed me in, this open soul,
with dinner and a bed and to me she said
Mi casa es tu casa, bienvenida a Costa Rica
I felt then that I'd done something right,
Made the right choice to leave home
My therapist encouraged me, my husband supported me
And now here I am in rainforest paradise
I woke to the warmth of the morning, the sun streaming in
The sounds of tropical birds and diesel engines
A spark in my heart I hadn't felt in a while,
A jolt of life, the thrill of having gotten myself
To another part of the world.
Certainly I'd managed to leave behind
The heaviness I'd been feeling all the time
For when you're in a place so full of life
How could it possibly follow you, the deadness inside?
I set off on a walk along the winding roads,
Not knowing or caring where I'd go
Soon the heady thrill faded and I realized
I'd made myself really alone
Lost and trying not to panic,
The sun was sinking low, and so was the charge on my phone.
Somehow I made it back in time
I walked inside and felt a sense this wasn't right
Plopped into the middle of someone else's life—
Should I be here, or should I be back home?
Rather than living within the confines of my routine,
I'm a random foreign person in this woman's world
The strangeness of my situation hits me,
But there's nothing to be done but
Try to be normal despite my inner turmoil.
After a few days I felt the itch to pack up and leave
There was more of that rich land to see,
and I had to keep going to keep the shadow from finding me.
I made it to the van just in time
I climbed inside, sweating, wanting to cry
Catching my breath from the uphill run
Lost and late, I almost missed my ride
I met another kindred soul on that drive
A young Italian woman going the same place as I
To me the destination was an escape,
the next place where I'd try to hide from me
A quick friendship grew, as they often do
when you're living outside of what you're used to
I leaned on her as my shadow reached for me
Like jungle roots to the earth,
she held me in place while the rain fell around me
I fled to this land to be alone, to escape the noise, to be no one
But as humans do, we find community
even when we think it's the last thing we need
I tried like hell to isolate myself,
San Jose to Arenal to Jaco to Puntarenas and back around
I kept finding myself in the company of those
who were unaware that they were helping out
propping me up, as I tried so hard to lay down
Onward again, another attempt to fly solo
I placed myself so far out of reach
down a treacherous, winding, pot-holed road
in the middle of the jungle, in a house all alone
with only the butterflies and the tap-tap-tap of a persistent bird
to keep me company
I thought it was what I needed, but
My shadow finally got a good hold of me
The rainforest storm knocked out access to the phone
the lights went out for hours at a time
Never in my life have I felt so completely in a bind
It scared me, to only have me on whom to rely
The version of me crying on the kitchen floor returned
but this time with no distractions, no one to pick me up
I cried and cried, hours at a time, til my eyes were raw and dry
I placed myself so far out of reach
No one was going to come find me
I made a deal with my shadow that if she let me lead
I'd get us out and get us what we need
I packed up my things, managed to make it through the days
Barely feeding myself, not daring to drink
for fear of where that would lead me
Finally the morning came, and yet another open face
Unknowingly came to my rescue
He drove me out of that little jungle house, down the road
No idea of what I was going through
The absolutely mess that was my mind.
I guess I put on a brave face, able to hide
He dropped me off, waved goodbye,
And with serious doubt I wondered, could I?
Could I do this? Get myself home?
I had a long road ahead, a ferry to catch before the sun rose
A couple days I'd spend in the city 'til I could board a plane
and run back home to where I'd find help
I felt like I betrayed that tiny green jewel
Coming to her, then running back home
But looking back now, she was my very best friend
Holding a mirror and showing me an honest view of me
She gave me friends in the form of people and trees
She gave me the understanding that I could do hard things
She held me and gave me passage while I ran from me
She gave me time and sunshine,
as well as an understanding that running wasn't where I needed to be
I needed to take my shadow and go home,
Be brave and face my troubles head-on
Get real help, turn around, and look my shadow in the eye
While I don't recommend fleeing your life
To see if you might find grass more green
Maybe it takes the destruction of routine
To wipe the slate clean enough to clearly see
What's going on, what's beneath
It's not something we can run from, our shadow selves
They'll catch up, if only to plead with you to get help
Maybe the shadow isn't a shadow at all
But the most honest part of ourselves,
My shadow is me.
—morgan
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