Almost two weeks ago I made the decision
That I’m done joining in on the cultural delusion
The lie, the mutual contract, that insists we must
Be cool, down mimosas at baby showers
Then welcome new life by trashing our livers
I remember well the first time I drank vodka
I felt instantly more alive
I was just a teen, in the car with my boyfriend
I giggled, felt giddy, immediately wanted more
He was annoyed, but I didn’t care
There were times I went to school
After morning pulls in the parking lot
To help me cope with my social anxiety
I walked around in a heady cloud
No longer worried about
All the things that plague an insecure teenager
But when I came down
I had to deal with the fact
That I’d made a fool of myself in class
Thinking no one could tell I was buzzed,
The realization hit me and my face burned red
But that didn’t stop me from doing it again
Because the allure of alcohol reels you in
Especially when you’re young
And you think you’re indestructible
And if I didn’t do it, I’d be the only one
I can’t tell you the number of times
That I blacked out, erased my mind
Couldn’t remember a damn detail of a night
High school to college to young adult life
I shudder thinking back on those times
As much as we want to say
Drinking is a choice, we decide to be this way
One body cannot hold all the blame
There are so many factors,
Drinking is a game we never asked to play
Every answer in this game is the same:
Sad, mad, bored, glad?
Here you go, just toss one back!
There are so few places you can go
Where it’s normal to refuse, to say no
In fact, those who abstain
Are treated with disdain
You’re a wet blanket, a buzzkill
Unwind, let loose, a little booze won’t hurt you
It’s normal, it’s just what we do
But in fact, it’s taking a big risk
It’s bad for your body, your mind,
It’s losing control, your sense of yourself
Life becomes more dangerous
When you set your inhibitions on a shelf
I’m not here to preach, I swear
When I got a DUI at the ripe age of twenty
I should have quit, said, that’s plenty
But I didn’t, I kept on the same path
For it was easier, I guess
I was scared of what it would mean
If I “got sober”, what that would say about me
It’s not funny, it’s sad
That I couldn’t even tell my therapist
About this little problem I had
What problem, you ask?
Deep breath, this is painful to admit
I numbed out, even around my kids
I got my priorities all out of line
Sometimes I’d even drink and drive
My heart is in my stomach telling you this
But I know… I know… keeping secrets keeps us complicit
By keeping it in I could keep on pretending
That my habits wouldn’t hurt me
But I became afraid of the direction I was hurtling
I’d ask myself, am I an alcoholic?
That would mean so many painful things
So I didn’t admit my fears
To anyone but me
Slowly turning things over in my mind
Let me be extremely clear
The label ‘alcoholic’
Is nothing but damaging, alienating
It says, you’re the problem, it’s you
It keeps you quiet, It keeps you ashamed
Protecting precious alcohol at all costs
Don’t blame the drug, blame us
But I’m rejecting that notion
Because I think we’re all just doing our best
And how can you expect a fish who swims in wine
To not be drunk all of the time?
It’s not hard to develop a problem
When the air we breathe is made of poison
Childhood trauma, anxiety,
Stress, or coping with having a baby
Drink, is the resounding answer, drink
So that’s what I did,
It’s what everyone does
And I told myself it was alright
Except when I just couldn’t,
Like after a particularly big night
The accumulation of those times
When I couldn’t convince myself I was fine
When I woke with the weight of shame
Weighing heavy on my heart and mind
Finally broke me, and I said alright
I made a list of pros and cons
And of course, the cons won by a lot
There on paper, laid clear for me to see
Was the truth, that it was bad for me
Alcohol was only hurting me
I’ve got too much to live for, too beautiful a life
To allow this noose to lie loose around my neck
To teeter on the edge of certain death
To play with fire, to have even one more glass of wine
To do this thing we tell ourselves is fine
Maybe it seems like it’s easy for me
And right now it is, because my why is top of mind
But let’s not forget the literal decade it took me
To get to this place, to put alcohol behind me
It’s not easy for everyone to get free
May these words serve as a reminder
That things are always more complex than they seem
There are so many factors at play
And when something like drinking is so normalized
It’s easy to put the problem at the back of your mind
Let’s be slower to judge, quicker to love
Recognize that alcohol is the problem, it’s an addictive drug
It’s everywhere we go, it takes a lot to escape
It’s what we turn to, it’s just what this culture does
So instead of condemnation, maybe offer a hug
If you realize for you it’s time to quit too
I just hope you know, you’re never alone
It can seem like you’re the odd one out in the room
And you probably are, but I’m here too
There are those who came before
And those to come after
And they’ll tell you life before
Doesn’t even touch life after
—morgan
Listen to a reading of this poem at https://shows.acast.com/makers-dreamers-doers