I was once told by a therapist that I don’t know who I am. At first I was taken aback and a little offended. Excuse me? Yes, I do. I have a very strong sense of self. I know exactly where I stand, what my values are. But on second thought… I kind of agreed with her.
The context is that we were talking about how I’m a people pleaser. People pleasers put others’ feelings, desires, and needs ahead of our own, to the point where we’re out of touch what the hell it is the we feel, want, need.
This tendency is not altruism. It’s a coping mechanism. Learned as a way to survive; to get along.
As I approach my 33rd year of life, I’m more than a little frustrated that the habit of placing others’ needs high above my own (if I’m able to even consider my own at all) is still so deeply engrained.
Recently I was meeting a longtime friend for lunch on an unseasonably warm and sunny February day. We were planning to go to a certain restaurant and eat on the patio, but it was closed. I got a pit in my belly and felt like a selfish bitch as I asked her if we could go to another place that did have their patio open. Why? She’s a kind, patient, understanding friend. And she wasn’t in a hurry. In fact, she told me later she was happy to get to walk to look for another patio on such a nice day.
So why is my first and most persistent thought that I’m deeply inconveniencing her by making a small request?
I’m afraid of taking up too much space. Of daring to make my feelings, wants and needs known. In most situations, with most people, I fear that I’ll be abandoned, discarded if I’m perceived as being too high maintenance, asking for too much, acting ‘entitled’. So I cope by making sure I’m as attuned to what others feel, want, and need (which is folly because I’m assuming these things, and likely not assuming them correctly) to give myself a sense of control. To give myself a sense that I can anticipate what the other person is thinking and act accordingly so that they will like me. So that they will continue to be my friend.
Isn’t that sad? It sounds really sad to me when I lay it out like that. I’m so concerned with others that it completely drowns out my own voice, the voice that’s trying to tell me what I feel, want and need.
So, yeah. In a way, I think that therapist was right. It’s not that I don’t know ‘who I am’ in the sense of my values, or my sense of right and wrong… but I don’t really know who I am in terms of what I want/need/feel because I have the volume turned up too loud on what (I think) other people feel, want, and need.
Perhaps in this 33rd year of life, this will be the thing that I get better at. Maybe I’ll turn down the volume on everyone else so that I can hear myself. Get to know myself a little better. And then… maybe then I’ll be able to show up more authentically; daring to take up space, daring to be seen, fully.
—Morgan
Comments