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The Worst Blogger Who Ever Lived

It's me, hi! I'm the worst blogger who ever lived (yes, this is a play on the song title The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived, a song from my all-consuming obsession with the newest Taylor Swift album, The Tortured Poets Department.

It's been since December of last year that I last wrote anything here. A lot has happened since then! March was an eventful month: I quit my job, cut off my hair, and ran my first half marathon with my sister, Allison, for her 30th birthday. Talk about extremes, haha!

I quit my job because of a toxic boss situation. It was causing me lots of anxiety, even as I was working from home. (I haven't sat at my desk since March... I'm avoiding it like the plague because bad memories still linger.) I'm not planning to go back to a full time job anytime soon (unless absolutely necessary). Instead, I'm ramping up a bit with photography (book with me!), trying to focus on writing, and spending more time with my kids. The hope, as of now, is that they'll start at a new school this summer that offers half-days. They'll go to school in the mornings and be home with me in the afternoons.

Two adult sisters posing for a photo together after finishing a half marathon
Allison and me after completing 13.1 miles!

Our kids are 3.5 now, and whew doggy, this age is really something. Big (huge) feelings, especially from our little girl. Lots of learning how to regulate emotion, how to navigate social situations, and lotsss of conversations about body parts!

W: You have a 'gina, and I have a 'gina, mama!

I recently described Winslow's current stage as a day with really high winds (we've been experiencing plenty of these lately IRL!). She's all sunshine one moment, a complete thunderstorm the next. I'm doing my best to remind myself (and Kory) that having these mood swings from one extreme to the other so often and so quickly is not enjoyable for her, either. Because it can be really challenging to stay calm and compassionate when it's 3 AM and she's screaming because I didn't lay her blanket on her precisely the right way. But I know how important it is that I remain 'in it' with her, showing her that I am a safe and loving space for her when she's experiencing these big feelings.

As big and challenging as her emotions can be, her personality is bigger. She is smart. Gosh, so damn smart. Quick-witted. Funny. Wry. We are constantly cracking up at the things she says. The faces she makes.

Me: Whispers "fuck" under my breath

W: "Don't say (mouths:) 'fuck'!"

Alder loves — I mean, LOVES — the color green. We all have assigned favorite colors, and no, we may not deviate from our assignments!

A: What color marker do you want, mama?

Me: Umm, pink!

A: No, that's Winnie's favorite color.

Me: Ok, the yellow one? (My assigned favorite color)

A: Ok, here you go!

Our baby boy is still in diapers and is so very content with that. He wears the largest size money can buy. He cannot be convinced, cajoled, or coaxed into wearing anything other than diapers.

Us: Alder, you know babies wear diapers?

A: Yep, and Alder Barrett wears diapers.

Us: But daddy wears underwear, don't you want to wear underwear like daddy?

A: Nope, Alder Barrett loves diapers!

Everything is 'Alder Barrett'. Don't call him Alder, baby, buddy, etc. It's Alder Barrett.

A family of four sit at a picnic table at sunset eating dinner
A rare sighting of all 4 of us sitting down at an actual table together for dinner!

As for me? I've been taking it easy since early March. I've blown through a few jobs and a few therapists the past few years, so I'm kind of just trying to take a breath and reevaluate. My most recent therapist told me that I am trying to figure out who I am and what I want, and that simultaneously made sense to me and freaked me the hell out. It makes sense because I often wish someone would just tell me what to do, tell me what I'm good at (and what I'm not good at), and tell me who I am. It often feels overwhelming to try and figure out those things on my own.

It freaked me out because it's scary to realize that I apparently don't know the answers to these core questions about myself. How have I made it through 32 years of life and I still don't know these essential answers? Will I ever know them?

(Check in: Did I just give you a bit of whiplash moving so quickly from talking about my kids' funny quirks to my life's biggest questions? HEHE sorry! Like I said, worst blogger who ever lived.)

The in-between-ness of not being employed and trying to figure out what comes next is a weird space to be in, but I'm trying to embrace it. Here are a few bright spots from the past couple of months:

  • We met Kory's best friend's baby while in Colorado, and Winslow absolutely LOVED holding him, playing with him, and pushing him in her stroller. She said she wants a baby at home (not happening). It was cute as hell.

  • I've been able to spend a good amount of time with some really good friends lately. Good-for-my-heart conversations over coffee and double dinner dates and concerts.

  • The kids and I went golfing with Kory (well, Winnie and I were golf cart queens while Kory played a few holes and Alder 'helped' him). It was pretty darn sweet to see the kids getting to see their daddy do the thing he loves.

  • A few of my Instagram reels have gone viral lately. One got almost half a million views!

  • I sang More Hearts Than Mine a cappella at a local bar's open mic night and made a grown (drunk) man cry. That was a cool moment. I love singing but I'm kind of secretive about it, except when I'm in a bar full of strangers. :)

  • I wrote a new blog post for the CF Foundation Community Blog on "forgetting" life before Trikafta. (It should be going live 5/2/24.)

  • Our home addition is coming along nicely! We should have the exterior completed the second week of May, and I'm hoping the whole project will be complete sometime in June! It's been fun watching it go up. The kids have enjoyed watching the 'Worker Guys' work on building the 'big house'.

Ok, I think that's enough for this sporadic-ass post/life update. :) HOW ARE YOU???



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